Call me Chewy (rabid_wombat) wrote in dumbmonkies,
Call me Chewy
rabid_wombat
dumbmonkies

Finally, a Dumb Monkey Post!

There are a few rules that a cat owner HAS to follow. You know, the ones that are for your own good. The ones that insure you to possibly live longer than your furry friends... or at least to not die at their paws. These are good rules! Rules to stop you from getting clawed/bitten or having your soul ripped out by those ever-loving kitty eyes. Here's a couple examples:

1) Don't try to bathe your cat.
Unless you've brainwashed the little spitter from a kitten into thinking that this is a good thing.. don't try it. No matter how much you think 'ickle mister schmooky poo' loves you, I can tell you right now that he doesn't love you enough to be held in water for longer than a millisecond. There are guides that exist on the net telling how to bathe a cat without getting horribly mauled..but I seriously doubt that most people can offord complete HazMat suits made of Kevlar.

2) Trimming claws.
One, you pretty well have to be a freaking acrobatic zen master to be able to trap and keep 3 flailing limbs at bay while trying to snip the tips of the one thats trying to slash your face off... Two, your cat will NOT be pleased with you, and unless you have a metric buttload of kitty treats handy, she might end up shitting in your shoes out of pure spite.

3) Harnesses.
This, this is the one that made me a Dumb Monkey all those weeks ago. I should have remembered why putting a harness on a cat and having them outside is a Bad Idea. Add in that the cat in question is a weird little freak?

This all went down when I was visiting my parents for Mother's Day. They have a little black pseudo-kitten named Loki. They decide to have a bonfire in the backyard, and the cat is meowing up a storm because he is all alone in the house. This makes him sad. This makes my parents sad. This makes Chewy a freaking idiot as she offers to put said harness on said cat and bring him outside.

For the first little bit, all is fine. Loki's trotting around on a leash, sniffing at branches and bird poop while we would point and laugh at him. Oh look! The fire needs more wood! My dad, in all his brilliance goes right behind the cat and SNAPS a big honking branch in two.

This, suffice it to say, makes Loki go apeshit.
I have never, Ever seen anything bounce around on a line like the way that cat did. I'm holding on to the one end, and here's this black-furred, yellow-eyed, crazed miniature Tazmanian devil on the other. I go to try to pin him so I could throw him inside the house (which is made really difficult by the fact that Little Retard was thrashing like a freaking Trout), when the cat must have realized that there was something soft and squishy holding him back.

Cat does this weird tripple flip, yoinks back towards my end of the leash..and latches on. Every single claw, every freaking tooth he could get into my hand, he got. These things were deep! And painful! I let him go, he runs toward the patio door, bounces off the closed screen, nealy knocks himself out cold.

So, yeah.
Don't put a cat in a harness. Or at least not during a bonfire.
And definitely do NOT listen to that little voice in the back of your head that tells you when something "is a GOOD idea".
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